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Tag Archives: Brenda Tobias

The Best Defense Is An Offense

09 Jun

Reports of inappropriate relations with children seem to be on the rise these days.  Why is that?  The more hopeful explanation is that children (and their parents) are savvier and have more ease discussing such issues than those who came before them.  This would suggest that incidents have not increased, but the reporting of them has.  The more frightening explanation however is that more troubled and/or very immature adults are around our children now.

Pedophilia is not the only classification, as it is all boundary crossing behavior we are discussing.  An adult, in a position of authority, who treats a child as an adult is on a slippery slope and is shirking their duties and responsibilities.  A teacher befriending a child is not necessarily a cause for alarm, it can be though if the teacher is immature and doesn’t embrace his/her role as an authority figure.  A sport coach or scout leader who takes a special interest in one or two children may also cause concern.  This is not a ‘boogie man’ “the sky is falling” call to arms.  It has always been the case that we need to keep a critical eye on adults who choose to spend time with children.

A physical relationship with a child has no shades of gray.  It is inexcusable and intolerable and we should be doing far more to prevent its occurrence.  We can not send children to school or camp, wrapped in armor.  Instilling them with a fear of adults is a huge disservice and ineffective (as some abuse is at the hands of other children or teenagers.)  But there are things we can do.

  • We can make our children strong
    • A child with strong self-esteem is less likely to be singled out for attention
    • A child should know how to stand up and say in a loud clear voice; “NO”
    • A child with an empathetic and loving adult in their lives, who spends time with them and is available emotionally is far less likely to respond to the adult attention
  • All employees need to be screened
    • Psychological tests must be given to all employees whose majority of work involves children
    • Medical professionals, teachers, coaches, school bus drivers, custodial staff need all be screened
    • Testing will measure two different outcomes; pedophilia and maturity
      • A cut-off point for maturity would need consensus but any indication of pedophilia would reject a candidate from the pool

Corporations screen applicants all the time.   We already enforce tests for many professions.  You can’t (legally) work in a kitchen until you’ve passed the health and safety test.  The school bus driver has a special license to get behind the wheel.   A clinically designed psychological test should not be seen as an infringement but as a requirement.  Is it uncomfortable to consider a doctor or a dentist inappropriately touching a child?  Absolutely.  Does anyone want to consider how many people go into child-centric professions because of their psychological flaws?  Heavens no.  But ignoring it won’t make it go away.  That’s what children think.  The first step to really protecting our children is to act like adults.

 
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Posted by on June 9, 2012 in Childhood

 

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I Can Do That*

08 Jun

Summer is almost here and soon the children will be set free.  Lockers and cubbyholes will be cleaned out and juice box stained mortarboards discarded.  Those with (state recognized) diplomas will bid a final adieu to attendance, directives issued by bells, homeroom and gym class.  They are skipping into the sun off to great adventures.

But what of those children between juice box and Starbucks?  What does the summer hold for them?  No doubt there is a population spending their summer as free-range children.  They spring forth from the house after a hearty breakfast and are not seen again until their next feeding.  They scamp, scurry, swim, and explore with other children.  There are evenings of lightening bug hunting (and teary mornings when the bugs are discovered on the bottom of the jar, decidedly dead and unilluminated.)  There are lawn sprinklers and ice cream trucks and chalked sidewalks.  Then there’s reality.  Even if there are real live children somewhere, hopefully named; Molly, Stewart, Daisy and Marvin, having this halcyon summer, most children are not.  The majority of children are simply not free-range.

Their summer days, by design, or necessity (of finance or parental mental health) are structured.  There are children who respond very positively to structure of course.  A camp that allocates hours and days to prescribed activities can be heaven for some children.  For them it is comforting to awake thinking; “It’s Tuesday it must be lanyard day.”  For other children, they flourish best in the wild.  (It’s the difference between a cultivated orchid and a wildflower.)  These children need the uncertainty of an unscheduled day to find their footing.   They can be wildly physical children who love nothing more than to whirling dervish their way into an exhausted heap of sweat and dirt at day’s end.  They can also be dreamy, quiet children, whose idea of perfection is a quiet spot and a stack of Nancy Drews.  Hopefully every child gets what he or she really does need to be happy and strong.

Somewhere between names being written in underwear, and swimming goggles being unearthed (why were they in the broken bread machine?) there is an opportunity to shake things up a bit (even if it’s in the car on the way to the mall to get that style of shorts that ‘everyone is wearing and I can’t go to camp without them or I might as well just give up any hope of ever having any friends ever in my whole life, would that make you happy?!’)  There are approximately 8 weeks in a child’s summer (I know, in our addled sentimental grown minds we think of it as sprawling, languid months, but it’s not.)  What if every child learned 8 tasks of adult life this summer?  Before the cries of “isn’t the summer reading list enough chore for my child?” let me assure you that kids think adult stuff is interesting/fun (unless we’ve been moaning and carrying on about it in their presence for years.)

There is a life skill lesson appropriate for any age.  Pre-schoolers love the chance to fold laundry or sort light from dark.  Six-to-twelve year-olds can be involved in every aspect of getting food into the house and onto the table.  If there’s a family car, the younger can learn about keeping it clean, and the older can learn about keeping it going.  Thirteen-to-eighteen year-olds can learn just about anything; how bills get paid, how insurance works, how local politics impact the family, what parents really do for a living.  This last life lesson should not be confused with ‘take a child to work day’ that in many workplaces has been turned into “work as amusement park” day.

Understanding more about how the world works and what being adult really means helps a child make informed decisions as they grow.  Learning to do something (i.e., balance a checkbook, make a potato salad, change the oil) is exactly how self-esteem is built.  Swimming medals and ‘color war’ certificates make a child happy.  But knowing you can do something that is a necessary part of being an adult makes the world more exciting and less daunting for a child.

A Chorus Line (1975) – Edward Kleban & Marvin Hamlisch

 
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Posted by on June 8, 2012 in Childhood

 

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The Right To Choose

06 Jun

The New York Times has ‘uncovered’ some misleading rhetoric regarding Plan B (aka ‘the morning after pill’.)  Many of those interested in banning the contraceptive have hitched their wagon to the notion that this pill sloths away attached cells from the uterine wall.  This is in fact not the case, and never has been.  Plan B prevents the attachment (by means that are very natural/biological but may be too ‘eeeeew’ inducing to discuss here.)

Without getting too technical or “no, she did Not just say that” let’s review what we’re discussing here.  What the banners were using as their justification for preventing access to contraceptives was that Plan B was in fact an abortifacient.  Their position is that as soon as two cells meet (an egg and a sperm) a human exists.  Sentimental rhetoric aside, there is a name for the meeting of these two cells; it’s called a zygote.  A zygote is not a fetus or embryo.  Zygotes slough off and disappear on a regular basis.  It’s nature.  Many regular monthly cycles include these invisible cells.  A zygote probably has as much of a chance as organically becoming a human as any unmet egg and sperm.  That covers the biologically, now for the chemistry.

The last thing I would ever do is provide ammunition to anyone looking to limit the human rights of others, but you know what?  You know what does slough off cells?  The I.U.D. and birth control pills do.  Both of these devices include hormones that change the lining of the uterine wall.  The presence of anything in the uterus (like an I.U.D.) prevents any attachment to the wall.  A zygote’s got nowhere to go.

It’s astounding to consider that people (and mostly they seem, to me anyway, to be men) are so concerned about sperm when it’s inside of someone else.  How could it be, if they are truly concerned about what happens to their contribution, that we still have absolutely nothing resembling reliable male birth control?  The only means we have is not traditionally embraced by men and is probably as old as the I.U.D.  Listen up men, you’ve had the corner on the medical field for centuries, whatya been doing?  Where’s your walkathon or ribbons to raise awareness for male birth control.  Where is the wait-list for reversible vasectomies?  Where is the partaking in relations only for fertilization?

I won’t hold my breath.  It’s always much more interesting to point to others as the problem.  It might even serve social purposes to belittle an entire gender, assuming they a) don’t know how their bodies work and b) can’t make informed decisions about their own reproductive life.  For whatever reason, these attacks on a woman’s body and rights have been going on forever.  And let us be perfectly clear, any limitations to contraception are an attack on women not an attempt to “save the zygote.”  There are facilities all across this globe that are creating and/or processing these microscopic conjoined cells through very expensive and sophisticated means.  They do not all become implanted, and those that do, do not all adhere and grow.  Yes, this brave new world of medically induced fertility is worth more than a cursory review from an ethics perspective.  We should be looking long and hard at the benefits and costs to our society and to the individual of these developments.  But what isn’t complicated is that every person should have control over what is done to his/her own body.  Forcing anyone to carry a pregnancy is barbaric.  Pound whatever religious text as you try to do it, hold up whatever placards you find most repugnant, but in the end, anyone daring to tell a woman to carry a pregnancy is nothing less than a barbarian.

 
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Posted by on June 6, 2012 in Cultural Critique

 

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Summerfall Winterspring

04 Jun

There is nothing quite so refreshing as a change of season.  The changing temperature marks the passage of time, but not in a dismal birthday candle way.  We gaze upon the first snowfall, or turning leaf with renewed wonder and thoughts of a world larger than our own daily reality.  Those fortunate to live in a four-season clime, experience the joy that comes from a transitioning season.  For just as you basked in the “first day of spring” or the first whiff of burning leaves, after three months, you’re quite tired of it all.

Adults don’t experience newness on a regular basis.  We don’t have a new teacher every year, or learn a new subject every quarter.  Unless we work in a very volatile field there is some sense of familiarity in what we do, day in and day out.  We don’t exactly become gerbils on wheels (unless we choose to of course.)  Our lives are rich and we pursue new ideas, adventures and activities.  But our very existence is not dictated by growth and change.  We are not given new responsibilities and allowed to do new and exiting things with each passing year (ex. crossing the street alone, going to the mall with friends, etc.)  We (hopefully) don’t grow out of our wardrobe every year and get the chance to reinvent our look.  Never again will we (organically) change from being a boy/girl to a man/woman.  We are what we are.

For some this stasis is more unsettling than for others.  No doubt you’ve witnessed men and women who seem to grab new personae and experiences with a certain franticness.  (This tends to occur during the time we refer to as middle-age.)  At some point they usually grow tired and accept that life might not be best approached with a checklist.  Lifetime lists might make for good bestseller fodder (or films starring men of a certain age) but they are no more of template for life than being an Avenger or a Grumpy Old Man.

Everyone finds his or her own path to meaning and beauty.  For some it is the path itself that guides their life.  For others it is the appreciation of beauty (natural and/or person-made) that is the meaning of life.  There are many that have neither luxury of course, and life for them is something to endure.  But for all of us, no matter our personal quest, we share this world.  There is something so utterly satisfying about a shared quiet smile with a stranger when the first robin is spotted.  Some of the best conversations between strangers happen in a rainstorm.  We grouse, we drip, we force ourselves to be happy for the flowers and water tables, if we’re lucky someone in the huddled cluster makes a Gene Kelly reference, and we all go on our way.  To the lives for which we construct meaning.

Along will come the sun and dry out all the rain, and we will be off to beaches, mountains, lakes, and dreadful blockbuster movies played in mercifully freezing theaters.  We will experience the indescribable joy of a shower after a day of sand and sticky seawater.  We will dine or drink out of doors and declare; “we should do this more often.”  The smell of suntan lotion or the sound of the ice cream truck will remind us of earlier times.  Perhaps happier, perhaps not.  But we will be reminded and that is good.  Thinking, if only for a moment, of the past, makes us more present.  We acknowledge that we’re still here and the game is still on.  That is what the seasons do as well.  That crocus forcing its fragile little head out of the frosty ground is in essence saying “I’m still here.”  Isn’t that everything?

 
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Posted by on June 4, 2012 in Cultural Critique, Well-Being

 

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Words Can’t Bring You Down*

01 Jun

“What are your thoughts on bullying?” I was asked the other day.  There’s no simple answer is there?  While not a fan of bullying, I also don’t think it’s the black plague.  We need to be careful not to label all behavior that is less than kind as bullying.  Labeling behavior as bullying does not encourage conversation and understanding but leads to “zero tolerance” policies that can have illogical and arbitrary consequences.

I don’t know if incidents of bullying have increased.  How can we know when we’re not entirely clear what bullying is?  Here’s what bullying is not; having a disagreement, calling another person a name, or excluding someone from an activity.  Bullying certainly is causing a person harm, waging an ongoing campaign of physical intimidation, and inciting ostracization or teasing.  As soon as children are old enough to engage socially (around 3 years old) they begin to create groups.  Even in kindergarten children begin to identify whom to tease.  Their target can appear to be a mirror image of the group.  They are not necessarily weaker than others.  They may be singled out for the brand of sandwich bag they bring to school.  This is how it can start.

There have always been (and undoubtedly always will be) children who behave dreadfully to other children.  There are children who are not emotionally well, and are capable of simply inconceivable acts.  But then there are children, who are, well they are children.  They show poor judgment and above all, live for the acceptance of their peers.  They find themselves caught up in a behavior that fills them with shame and even more shamefully, a little pride.

What concerns me is how children are handling being the target of less than kind behavior.  I worry that children are reacting in intense and fatal ways.  A child committing violence (to themselves or others) because they felt bullied, is not normal.  Even for an adolescent.  I worry that all children are not as strong as they once were.  (For really what is a bully but one who feels inadequate?)  I worry that we have cultivated a generation (or more) whose lives are more external than internal, leaving them feeling fragile and teetering when the world no longer applauds.

When we hold graduation ceremonies for preschoolers, kindergartners, or hell, anything below high school, we are sending an esteem-crushing message to our children: “Doing the bare minimum may be your greatest accomplishment, yeah for you!”  We are also teaching them that their worth is intrinsically tied to applause.  Every activity now has an audience.  When they play, their parents are on the sidelines or actually coaching them along.  Every recital is videotaped and shown.  In short, their lives are excruciatingly public from their first framed sonogram.

There is no internal strength that is derived from an external life (just look at the personal life of any celebrity past or present.)  Self-esteem is not cultivated through “Best Snack Provider” trophies or “Honor Student” bumper stickers.  Self-esteem is created by the self.  It is grown through mastery.  When a child navigates new terrain, on his/her own, he/she glows with the accomplishment.  When a child problem solves or conquers a fear, they grow stronger.  Praise (real or empty) does not create self-esteem, independence does.  Praising a preschooler for “good waving!” is the gateway to a lifetime of empty praises.  Children are not stupid.  They know the difference.  We build strong children by encouraging increasing amounts of independence.

A child who feels a true sense of worth, who feels they are good at something, is much less likely to pick on someone else.  He/she is also much less likely to be devastated by being picked on.  We need to take (physical and/or psychological) violence against children very seriously.  We need to equally take seriously how our children are responding to such acts.  We are a culture that loves to treat symptoms and ignore causes.  How do I feel about bullying? I feel that the stronger (adults) need to acknowledge and redress their cultivation of the weaker.

* Beautiful: Linda Perry (2002)

 
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Posted by on June 1, 2012 in Childhood

 

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