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Not Ready To Wear

25 Jan

Audrey

Once the daytime temperature high dips below 25 (and stays there for days) all style bets are off. If your entire exposure to the out of doors consists of the 10-20 steps from your front door to your car to your office door, your appearance still suffers. Even if you don’t have hat hair (and for g-d’s sake you could die from being that vain!) your hair is dried & fried. Your nose is beet red and running and so are your eyes. No one looks good when it’s this cold. In fact it’s a minor miracle that the northern states repopulate. It’s no wonder that fashion magazines and websites are filled with spring apparel. Clothes stores turn up the thermostat to help with cognitive dissonance and faltering sales. As we start to sweat in our sweaters and coats purchasing a sleeveless shift (in January) seems almost reasonable. Perusing open-toed shoes is a delightful diversion and a beacon of hope for our unvarnished neglected ice-cold toes. Just the idea that our feet may someday see the light of day again can be enough to help us soldier on.

It can dampen the spirits just a wee bit when the fashion being pitched isn’t exactly the golden ticket one hoped for. While I’m sure there are women (over the age of 8) who can rock pastels, it’s probably a very small percentage. Easter eggs seemed to have shared a special hug and created multiple lines of shoes and accessories this season. Pastel green? Really? It’s hard to even find a reason for that color to exist let alone find its way onto leather goods. Okay, so maybe this won’t be the season to purchase a new pair of shoes (did you hear that? and angel just lost its wings.) That leaves a whole lot of fashion/merchandise to drool/swoon over, right? Not so fast. There seems to be a trend (trend: a nice word for all manufacturers take their cues from one or two designers) of unflattering shapes and cuts. Granted the cropped pant has been around for a few seasons, but it’s really in its glory this spring. It is simply everywhere. In fact, you’d probably be hard pressed to find many full-length pants for sale. Now with all due respect to Gilligan, cropped pants are simply unflattering if you are under 5’10”. Making the leg line shorter (or stumpier) is simply not a sensible silhouette goal. Adding to the stumpy effect is the addition of high waists (with pleats!) and drawstrings and/or peplum; adding volume, volume and more volume. A perfectly normal proportioned person now looks like a balloon animal. To top off this squatty look are voluminous/tiered/ruffled blouses and tops. The entire ensemble sending the distinct message; “I’m in here somewhere.”

Now not many of us enter early springtime at our fighting weight. So there is something to say for some strategic camouflaging. But strategic camouflage rarely involves adding volume and making things look bigger. A little extra middle is best hidden with a tailored top or jacket. A little extra hip or bottom is best served by a pant that fits perfectly on the hip and bottom (probably tailored at the waist) and has a full (not oversized) leg. But these are really four season rules. Whatever are we to do about finding our light at the end of our 25-degree tunnel? Flipping to the back of the magazine to the home and garden section can work. Images of lush blooming flowers and greenery fill the heart and head with hope. Gorgeous photo spreads of salads, mixed grills and sangria can save you from a full-blown sweats on, pizza ordered, “I’ve lost all hope” 48 hour bender. Before we know it the temperature will rise and we’ll be able to smell the earth once more. We will be inexplicably surprised when we see the first sign of emerging crocuses. In just a matter of (several) weeks the ground will be dotted with tiny brave flowers in the most stunning shades of purple and yellow, which incidentally would look fabulous in a shoe.

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7 Comments

Posted by on January 25, 2013 in Style

 

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7 responses to “Not Ready To Wear

  1. sandra gardner

    January 28, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    wonderfully funny!

     
  2. robin kramer

    January 25, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    Most women enjoy wearing cropped pants. It’s as close to wearing shorts without having to show their knees as they will get. It’s also a boon to shorter women, who can finally buy a pair of pants that they don’t have to shorten. Woodstock Design has been selling cropped pants since forever.

     
    • brendatobias

      January 25, 2013 at 6:30 pm

      A very slim fitted crop doesn’t shorten the leg line as much as a wide or relaxed fit. The city short (tailored and to the knee) is a nice alternative to a traditional short.

       
  3. Susanne

    January 25, 2013 at 10:24 am

    Wow. You don’t leave many options for the gal under 5″10…..or 5″4 for that matter. Re-thinking most of wardrobe about now….starting with the drawstring pants (linen and adorable as they once seemed.) Lol.

     
    • brendatobias

      January 25, 2013 at 10:27 am

      Each time I wear them (and I have worn them) I think I look at least 4 inches shorter than I am. The only ones that don’t seem entirely shortening are the skinny/cigarette crop (which let’s face it, are not for every day of the month 🙂 )

       
  4. becomingcliche

    January 25, 2013 at 10:20 am

    High waists? So we’re going to be treated to cropped mom-pants this spring? Lovely.

     
    • brendatobias

      January 25, 2013 at 10:28 am

      I’m going to try and think of this as a great opportunity to save some money (or shop vintage)

       

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