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Protecting Those Who Serve

 

Congress is poised to enact legislation to make it legal for military mental health counselors (and commanders) to discuss personal firearms with soldiers considered at risk for suicide. That’s right, it is currently illegal to discuss ownership (and any use of) personal firearms with soldiers identified as potentially suicidal. 6 out of 10 military suicides are by firearm (similar to the rate of non-military suicides.) Now before we all collectively smack ourselves on the forehead and exclaim a universal; “Duh” let’s think this through.

The military is acknowledging that there are mental health issues that need to be addressed. The Pentagon and Congress are willing to even consider wading into “don’t you come near my gun” political territory. The military culture is showing signs it is willing to change. Culture is not easy to change. A culture whose very existence is based on rules, regulations, defense, solidarity, and yes; firearms, is showing some flexibility. They seem to be willing to admit that there is a problem that needs to be addressed holistically.

At first blush discussing (personal) gun ownership with someone who may be a danger to him/herself seems rather straightforward. No one is confiscating the gun(s) or demanding they be relinquished (perhaps that will come with time.) The potentially lifesaving measure being considered by Congress is merely a conversation about guns. But this is the military we’re talking about. There are people who consider personal gun ownership to be a very important part of who they are and of their patriotism. Knowing that the subject may not be private could have an effect on a soldier’s willingness to discuss mental health issues. Living in a closed environment (a military base) one might guard his/her privacy. Living on a base (with a gun store!) surrounded by people openly carrying guns, it could feel very stigmatizing to have your gun ownership questioned.

All of this is not to suggest that there should ever be any gag rules around mental health and safety. But it is worth noting that military+mental health+right to bear arms= a minefield. Any move towards open and direct conversation about military mental health and safety should be encouraged. Could this step (of removing the speech restraint) be the first of many necessary steps? Will soldiers identified as being at risk have all firearms confiscated? Could we someday live in a world in which people with mental illness do not have access to guns? Why not? Think of all the changes in safety and in illness awareness in just the last thirty years. Seat belt use was once optional (if they existed at all,) the words “breast cancer” were whispered (if uttered at all,) the intellectually and physically challenged were definitely not mainstreamed, and many people with mental illness suffered in silence. As a culture we’ve demonstrated we are capable of change. If an organization defined by tradition and rigidity can take this first step, just think what the rest of us could do!

 
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Posted by on October 8, 2012 in Cultural Critique, Well-Being

 

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We Are Family

There are many ways to make a family and some of them involve legality. The broadest definition of a family is that of more than one person committed to building a life together. You can imagine the many variations that live within that parameter; parentless siblings, romantically connected adults, friends, one adult and children, generations of the biologically related. Within those examples are even more variations; adopted siblings, romantically connected adults of varying genders, religions, races, ages, abilities, one adult and adopted children, donor/surrogate children, foster children. Generations of the biologically related can include any or all of the categories just mentioned. That’s a whole lot of variation.

Yet for all of our ‘we are the world”liness we are not all that comfortable with uniqueness. It’s not necessarily a shortcoming on our part. We can only process so much information. We are wired to take in information quickly and make instantaneous decisions (‘is that a friendly lion coming toward our cave or a hostile hungry lion?’) We have room for subtlety and idiosyncrasy with our friends and family; but the world at large is just too large. So we look for categories, boxes, and classifications to avoid a mind that would thrill a hoarder. And it wouldn’t matter a smidge until something goes awry.

When a family breaks up there can be a lot of rubble. If the latter part of the 20th century taught us anything; it’s that families can dissolve. For better or worse (pun intended) and for the most part, people no longer need each other for survival. However, through the beauty of human nature; new families can be created. Complicated? Not really, or not until the 5th grade teacher assigns the archaic “family tree” assignment to her class. Family is what you make it and its level of fluidity is what you choose.

Lovely sentiment but what about those step-children left behind in the prior marriage? What of your child’s step-grandparent who is now not? Who gets invited to what? Who gets to see photos or updates? What if the ex-spouse has remarried and there are new steps? Do they get invited? The first step is to drop the label maker. I’m not going to get all Carol Brady and suggest that the only steps in this house are the ones in the living room. But I will offer that when it comes to determining what and who is important to us; labels only obscure. What matters is how you feel, how the children feel and how a new spouse/partner feels (and NOT necessarily in that order.) What we want for our children is for them to have the love of as many people as they possibly can. We want them to have consistent and reliable relationships with people who are not necessarily related to them. It’s one way they grow strong roots. If there has been heinous behavior (i.e., violence, or criminality) by any ex-family member it should be taken into consideration. But overall whatever works for everyone* most involved is just plain okely dokely. (By “everyone” I do not mean the child(ren) are allowed to insist their parents behave as if they never split up and spend all holidays and recitals as a unit.)

Life can be messy, chaotic and at times horrific. Having people who love you and feel obligated to take you in is what makes it all manageable. Yes, the broader we define something the more complex it gets. And no, there isn’t a greeting card to send on Mother’s Day to the woman who is now partnered with your ex-step-parent. But that’s a good thing isn’t it? Do any of us (in our heart of hearts) want to think of ourselves as able to be reduced to a mass market sentiment?

 
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Posted by on October 4, 2012 in Childhood, Marriage/Wedding, Well-Being

 

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A Well Seasoned Style

When it comes to style and presentation what possibly could be left to say? We all know by now that fit and flatter are essential ingredients and attitude is an asset. But yet. But yet. If you live in a four season kinda town, you’ve no doubt witnessed the “Autumn? I am not familiar with your ways.” style that abounds. People who only weeks ago had managed to reasonably dress themselves now stumble squinting into the outdoors like a newborn colt. They’ve grabbed last year’s something, purchased this year’s new thing and found their way out the door. Sometime before Thanksgiving it will all come together, but why wait? If you’re doing any of the following; stop:

  • Weather – there are apps for this; use them
    • A down jacket on a day reaching 75 degrees paints a dwelling optional portrait
    • Rain happens, and no one looks good wet (with the exception of the Man from Atlantis and Esther Williams)
  • Hemisphere Dressing
    • If it’s cold enough to wrap that 4-foot piece of cloth around your neck (a look previously only seen in desert regions) it’s too cold to wear shorts
    • Wearing a jaunty felt fedora is fabulous; but not if it’s worn with a sundress
    • Have your top part and bottom part appear to be going to the same place
      • Farm boots or chef shoes paired with a dress looks cuckoo
      • Leather jacket and flip-flops? What’s that for; a biker beach?
  • Season as an after thought
    • Throwing a fur jacket over a micro mini skirt isn’t so much seasonally appropriate as it is ‘working girl’ appropriate
    • Linen pants and suede boots together are oil and water and there might even be a biblical prohibition
    • Layering is lovely; piling on every lightweight sweater you own gives the impression that you’re fleeing a house fire

Starting anything new takes a bit of thought. But you’d be surprised by the muscle memory lurking below your recently chilled skin. When you have a moment (oh, hush; you have a moment) dig out all of your cold weather apparel. It’s like shopping for free! Take a good look at what you’ve got (and do make sure it fits.) Then just think of these easy guidelines:

  • Tone is everything
    • Pieces shouldn’t match they should look happy together
    • Everything you have on should look as if it could be displayed in the same section of a store
  • Add a layer
    • How exciting is a jacket? No really. Blazers, cardigans, outerwear magically transform clothes into an Outfit!
  • Make friends with your mirror
    • Relearning how to dress takes a few days (or severe weather shifts) a mirror will help this process along
      • Before leaving the house (that’s right; After your jacket is on!) take a good look. Does your whole body look as if it’s off to the same destination? Are you wearing a down vest with a party dress and heels? It’s not a good look on a sorority pledge, and it’s not a good look for you.

It’s a gorgeous time of year filled with golden and vibrant color. Our foods and feasts become more simmered and lingering. We reclaim our root system and hunker down around the hearth. We are cozy and covered and profoundly grateful for the generosity of an oversized sweater and leggings. Happy Autumn!

 
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Posted by on October 3, 2012 in Style

 

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Putting One Foot In Front Of The Other

Life is not a spectator sport. Life is to be embraced, battled, survived and celebrated. Yet there are times (perhaps long stretches of them) that life is barely tolerable. The world, if it must exist, is best viewed from under a blankie from the vantage point of the couch. There are variations on this lookout. Perhaps a box of Cap’n Crunch (crunch berries optional) is involved. There may be an 18-hour background chatter of Law & Order employed. The constant of course is the elastic waist pant. No respectable day of sloth can be had in real pants.

Self-imposed solitary confinement is nothing to aspire to, but it’s not shameful either. One need only be concerned if frequency or duration increases (like an erectile dysfunction drug side effect; after four days one should seek medial attention.) If we are relatively healthy people, our forays into fleece and foods of childhood are sporadic and strangely motivating. But what of the everyday less-than-fleece malaise?

If life is lived with any participation: sh*t happens. Things come up that are not of our own making and that make us miserable. Even good things (new; jobs, projects, relationships, etc.) can make us feel overwhelmingly uneasy. Dread, misery and anxiety are often lumped into the category of “stress.” Since “stress” can also result from happy things, we sill stick with specifics; dread, misery and anxiety.

  • Dread – Channel your Scarlett O’Hara
    • Don’t think about it until tomorrow. Dread is one of the all time biggest thieves of happiness there is. Weeks will be wasted dreading an event that at most will encompass 24 hours. Each time a lump in the pit of your stomach starts to form, grab your phone, notebook, slab of stone and write down your specific concern (i.e., my cousin-in-law will use the funeral as a platform for subtle anti-Semitic rhetoric) and go back to the business at hand. Trust that the specific concern has been properly mulled.
    • Focus on getting back to Tara. Yes that root canal or colonoscopy is going to be wretched. Nothing will change that. Focus on what you will do after the event (and after the narcotics wear off.) Plan something enjoyable.
  • Misery
    • Awful things happen, that is the burden of survival. Disease, death, desertion are often unavoidable. Sadness and often mourning is wildly appropriate, but should not become a lifestyle. There’s really only one way out; take a shower. Get up, put one foot in front of the other and fake it ‘til you make it. Pretend you are functioning and before you know it, you will be.
  • Anxiety
    • High anxiety (as it relates to a state of being not a Mel Brooks’ film) is a very uncomfortable state. Sustained non-specific anxiety (not related to an event) warrants medical attention.
    • The remedy for event specific anxiety is often directly related to the event:
      • Public speaking? Rehearse, rehearse & remember that most people aren’t really listening
      • Job interview? Research and keep in mind that you are interviewing them as well
      • Blind date? Have an exit plan
      • Socializing with people you do not know? Think of yourself as Jane Goodall and discover everything you can about these people and their ways

Often the best way out or through is to consider what we’d advise a friend. Most likely we would not encourage a friend to perseverate, we’d encourage them to get up and get out. We would lift the afghan from their shoulders, brush the crumbs from their chest, wipe the melted ice cream from their chin and whisper; step into the sun, step into the light.

 
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Posted by on September 30, 2012 in Well-Being

 

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Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf? – Review

Why in the world would a person willingly see a (three hour) play for the fourth time? How strong a suspicion would that viewer have of seeing something completely new? Very strong, 100 proof strong. From the very first sound (Martha’s gentle laughing off-stage) it was clear that this was a new George and Martha. Amy Morton and Tracy Letts, by way of Steppenwolf (and August Osage Country fame) are so very human that watching this production, directed by Pam MacKinnon is more akin to peeking in a window than looking at a stage.

Martha is often portrayed as a braying overtly sexual ball of venom. George is frequently placid and defeated. Ms. Morton & Mr. Letts have no interest in going down that road. When George refers to Martha’s party behavior as braying, her retort is barely in an outdoor voice. It’s then that we know this George and Martha are equally matched in their ferocity. Their words and manners, so natural and true, add a dimension to the rawness of their story, their marriage. Mr. Letts’ George is strong and knowing and funny. The treatment of Martha’s sensuality is an interesting interpretation. Many a Martha has climbed Nick as a boozy floozy in a too tight top. Ms. Morton seduces Nick in the least sexy of ways. She stumbles and clinically performs the seduction in a desperate attempt to have her husband respond. Nick’s interest is seen more clearly for what it is; ambition.

Nick and Honey, perfectly cast with Madison Dirks and Carrie Coon are far less naive and childlike than we’re accustomed. Nick holds his own amidst the incoming shells. Honey is young and quite tipsy, but very real and recognizable. The play motors along via free-range party games (Hump the Hostess, Bringing Up Baby, Get the Guests) as we discover what lies beneath. With the lower volume of this production we can really hear what is and what isn’t being said.

Ms. MacKinnon’s pacing and staging is fast and fluid. A magic trick of sorts results in the three acts rushing by as we simultaneously feel the characters’ building exhaustion. (This play should always been seen at night, preferably late at night.) Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf opens at the Booth Theatre on the 50th anniversary of its premiere (October 13th.) This production is a poignant and powerful tribute to Edward Albee’s most popular play.

 
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Posted by on September 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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