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Category Archives: Well-Being

We Are Family

04 Oct

There are many ways to make a family and some of them involve legality. The broadest definition of a family is that of more than one person committed to building a life together. You can imagine the many variations that live within that parameter; parentless siblings, romantically connected adults, friends, one adult and children, generations of the biologically related. Within those examples are even more variations; adopted siblings, romantically connected adults of varying genders, religions, races, ages, abilities, one adult and adopted children, donor/surrogate children, foster children. Generations of the biologically related can include any or all of the categories just mentioned. That’s a whole lot of variation.

Yet for all of our ‘we are the world”liness we are not all that comfortable with uniqueness. It’s not necessarily a shortcoming on our part. We can only process so much information. We are wired to take in information quickly and make instantaneous decisions (‘is that a friendly lion coming toward our cave or a hostile hungry lion?’) We have room for subtlety and idiosyncrasy with our friends and family; but the world at large is just too large. So we look for categories, boxes, and classifications to avoid a mind that would thrill a hoarder. And it wouldn’t matter a smidge until something goes awry.

When a family breaks up there can be a lot of rubble. If the latter part of the 20th century taught us anything; it’s that families can dissolve. For better or worse (pun intended) and for the most part, people no longer need each other for survival. However, through the beauty of human nature; new families can be created. Complicated? Not really, or not until the 5th grade teacher assigns the archaic “family tree” assignment to her class. Family is what you make it and its level of fluidity is what you choose.

Lovely sentiment but what about those step-children left behind in the prior marriage? What of your child’s step-grandparent who is now not? Who gets invited to what? Who gets to see photos or updates? What if the ex-spouse has remarried and there are new steps? Do they get invited? The first step is to drop the label maker. I’m not going to get all Carol Brady and suggest that the only steps in this house are the ones in the living room. But I will offer that when it comes to determining what and who is important to us; labels only obscure. What matters is how you feel, how the children feel and how a new spouse/partner feels (and NOT necessarily in that order.) What we want for our children is for them to have the love of as many people as they possibly can. We want them to have consistent and reliable relationships with people who are not necessarily related to them. It’s one way they grow strong roots. If there has been heinous behavior (i.e., violence, or criminality) by any ex-family member it should be taken into consideration. But overall whatever works for everyone* most involved is just plain okely dokely. (By “everyone” I do not mean the child(ren) are allowed to insist their parents behave as if they never split up and spend all holidays and recitals as a unit.)

Life can be messy, chaotic and at times horrific. Having people who love you and feel obligated to take you in is what makes it all manageable. Yes, the broader we define something the more complex it gets. And no, there isn’t a greeting card to send on Mother’s Day to the woman who is now partnered with your ex-step-parent. But that’s a good thing isn’t it? Do any of us (in our heart of hearts) want to think of ourselves as able to be reduced to a mass market sentiment?

 
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Posted by on October 4, 2012 in Childhood, Marriage/Wedding, Well-Being

 

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Putting One Foot In Front Of The Other

30 Sep

Life is not a spectator sport. Life is to be embraced, battled, survived and celebrated. Yet there are times (perhaps long stretches of them) that life is barely tolerable. The world, if it must exist, is best viewed from under a blankie from the vantage point of the couch. There are variations on this lookout. Perhaps a box of Cap’n Crunch (crunch berries optional) is involved. There may be an 18-hour background chatter of Law & Order employed. The constant of course is the elastic waist pant. No respectable day of sloth can be had in real pants.

Self-imposed solitary confinement is nothing to aspire to, but it’s not shameful either. One need only be concerned if frequency or duration increases (like an erectile dysfunction drug side effect; after four days one should seek medial attention.) If we are relatively healthy people, our forays into fleece and foods of childhood are sporadic and strangely motivating. But what of the everyday less-than-fleece malaise?

If life is lived with any participation: sh*t happens. Things come up that are not of our own making and that make us miserable. Even good things (new; jobs, projects, relationships, etc.) can make us feel overwhelmingly uneasy. Dread, misery and anxiety are often lumped into the category of “stress.” Since “stress” can also result from happy things, we sill stick with specifics; dread, misery and anxiety.

  • Dread – Channel your Scarlett O’Hara
    • Don’t think about it until tomorrow. Dread is one of the all time biggest thieves of happiness there is. Weeks will be wasted dreading an event that at most will encompass 24 hours. Each time a lump in the pit of your stomach starts to form, grab your phone, notebook, slab of stone and write down your specific concern (i.e., my cousin-in-law will use the funeral as a platform for subtle anti-Semitic rhetoric) and go back to the business at hand. Trust that the specific concern has been properly mulled.
    • Focus on getting back to Tara. Yes that root canal or colonoscopy is going to be wretched. Nothing will change that. Focus on what you will do after the event (and after the narcotics wear off.) Plan something enjoyable.
  • Misery
    • Awful things happen, that is the burden of survival. Disease, death, desertion are often unavoidable. Sadness and often mourning is wildly appropriate, but should not become a lifestyle. There’s really only one way out; take a shower. Get up, put one foot in front of the other and fake it ‘til you make it. Pretend you are functioning and before you know it, you will be.
  • Anxiety
    • High anxiety (as it relates to a state of being not a Mel Brooks’ film) is a very uncomfortable state. Sustained non-specific anxiety (not related to an event) warrants medical attention.
    • The remedy for event specific anxiety is often directly related to the event:
      • Public speaking? Rehearse, rehearse & remember that most people aren’t really listening
      • Job interview? Research and keep in mind that you are interviewing them as well
      • Blind date? Have an exit plan
      • Socializing with people you do not know? Think of yourself as Jane Goodall and discover everything you can about these people and their ways

Often the best way out or through is to consider what we’d advise a friend. Most likely we would not encourage a friend to perseverate, we’d encourage them to get up and get out. We would lift the afghan from their shoulders, brush the crumbs from their chest, wipe the melted ice cream from their chin and whisper; step into the sun, step into the light.

 
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Posted by on September 30, 2012 in Well-Being

 

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Put Your Hand In My Hand*

12 Sep

“This guy’s walking down the street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can’t get out.” A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, ‘Hey you. Can you help me out?’  The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.” Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, ‘Father, I’m down in this hole can you help me out?’  The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on” Then a friend walks by, ‘Hey, Joe, it’s me can you help me out?’ And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, ‘Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.’ The friend says, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before and I know the way out.'”

This story, written by Aaron Sorkin for The West Wing, never fails to bring an enormous lump to my throat. Human beings have a tremendous capacity for kindness and empathy. We are at our best when we jump into the hole knowing the way out.

Chances are that unless you sleep upon 20 mattresses stacked to the ceiling, something unpleasant has happened in your life at some point. Life happens to us, mostly for better, but sometimes for worse. It’s what we do with the worse that makes us better. If we are wise and fortunate we have strong connections to others. These people may have not been in the same hole, but they know how to hold a hand and make a cup of tea. That often can be more than enough.

There are some circumstances however that cry out for a hole guide. Illness, addiction, bereavement, and violence can result in a trauma that benefits from others’ past experiences. Support groups (and some chat rooms) are built on this premise. During the blinding vortex of trauma (that feels anything but temporary) there’s great comfort in hearing; “Me too.” The ideal gathering will include those who have found their way out of the vortex of trauma. They stand at the top of the hole, torch in hand. We may not take the exact steps they did to reach to top. We may have to stop at times, or even slide backwards. But we keep our eyes on their torch and commit to putting one foot in front of the other.

There is power in reaching out; to comfort or in search of comfort. It takes courage to continue to ask for help (after having bits of paper tossed upon your head.) It takes compassion and a touch of bravery to jump down back into the hole after finding one’s way out. It’s us humans at our very best.

 

*Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now – Starship (1987)

 
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Posted by on September 12, 2012 in Well-Being

 

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A Kind Of September

07 Sep

Even if it’s 85 and humid as the rainforest where you live, those small people carrying enormous backpacks and wearing brand-new clothes are proof that autumn is coming. And even if your (9:00 – 3:00) days aren’t filled with new faces, expectations and even new buildings, it can still be a season of newness. With the lazy hazy days formally over, we can’t help but feel a little more purposeful, a little more focused. Soon we’ll stash our shorts and flip-flops and put back on our grown-up clothes. Before we know it the holidays will be upon us (for some they start in September) and the accompanying preparations will go beyond firing up a grill. But before we get all ‘chain drugstore Christmas display in August’ let’s focus on September.

Try to remember that feeling of hopefulness that comes with a clean, blank notebook and the spelling out of an instructor’s expectations. In chalk, on a syllabus or on-line; we were told what was expected of us and in those first few days we had done nothing to diminish those expectations. We believed we could achieve; long division, macroeconomics, modern European history or organic chemistry. Before we forget to write down an exam date, or procrastinated or let anxiety rule our studying, we felt we can do this thing. Feeling something is possible is invigorating. Is it the clean notebook, not yet a jumbled mess of missing notes? Is it the confidence and authority of a teacher assuming we can do what is asked of us? Is it the fact that everyone else (unless they’ve been left back) is in the same boat? Is it the fact that the very nature of education is that the content is always new? The majority of adult life is not filled with newness. Yes, there are at times new; partners, homes, jobs, or family members. But there is nothing cyclically new about adulthood. But there could be.

What if we all went “back to school” every September? Not literally of course (whoa! take a deep breath; you might want to put your head between your knees for a few minutes.) What if we pledged (to ourselves) to do something new every September? Something we need to “learn?” It needn’t be academic, but it shouldn’t be easy either. What about…

  • Learning to see things from someone else’s perspective?
  • Learning why we do something that troubles us (i.e., shop, drink, or eat excessively)?
  • Learning the difference between our needs and a loved one’s needs?
  • Learning to look at ourselves in the mirror and love what we see?

No doubt there are dozens more examples that are relevant and achievable. Let’s find one that feels slightly daunting yet not wildly out of our reach (we don’t teach calculus to second-graders now, do we?) Let’s give ourselves the whole academic year to finish the assignment. Trying something new, regardless of the outcome, is hopeful. It is in essence a declaration: “I’m here and I’m engaged with the world!” But first things first, let’s go out and get ourselves a brand-new notebook.

 
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Posted by on September 7, 2012 in Education, Well-Being

 

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Coloring Your World

06 Sep

Those of us in possession of (most of) our faculties are faced with hundreds of choices large and small. Before even heading out the door we’ve chosen to bathe (or not) what to wear, whether and/or what to eat, to have coffee at home or stand on line for the privilege, to pack a lunch or stand on line for the privilege, and simply to leave home at all. Most choices are so minute and routine as to barely register as the product of free will. Our will (and what we do with it) often becomes more noticeable in the great big world.

The guy who cuts you off or the woman tugging a bit too forcefully on her child? Our wheels turn. What (if anything) do we do or say? If we vow to make our own little world the world in which we want to live we probably smile at the driver and interact with the woman (“How’s it going?”  delivered with a huge and inviting smile, might break the tugging spell.) Our day is filled with choices and options regarding behavior and response.

But what of the larger choices? What of the choices so large they may appear invisible to the naked eye? The; ‘perhaps I should sell everything and move to a yurt’, or, ‘something is not right here perhaps I need to pay attention’ types of choices lurk below the surface. If we are lucky and are lives consist of more than survival we are confronted with enormous choices throughout our (healthy) adult life. It is daunting and a gift. Often the very thought of making a choice is paralyzing and we choose to stay still. It wasn’t always like that. As a 4-year old we had no problem choosing chunky over smooth, or the red crayon over the blue. But the stakes seem higher as we grow and we often (mistakenly) think we have an audience. (We don’t: ‘They’ are far too busy watching the “Them Show’ to be paying attention to our lives.)

We have this sense that each move we make need be towards a great big goal/accomplishment. Onward and upward! When faced with a career decision we can agonize over an increase in status to the detriment of creative growth. We tend to stay in relationships (romantic and otherwise) that make us less happy than happy because of having put in so much time and not wanting to fail. In other words, we often make (or don’t make) choices based on the past not the present. If we believe that our job, as humans, is to continuously grow and learn, the past is only useful for data collection. The data must then be processed and analyzed anew while examining where we are right now. (Think of it as the flight attendant announcement that; “The closest exit may be behind you”)

It is a daunting gift this free will of ours. There are no choices that will ever resonate with us unless we have a sense of who we are. There are no shortcuts, remedies, mantras or gurus that will get us to a point of self-knowledge. There is only honesty and thoughtfulness. It might not feel entirely comfortable, but it is this strong base that’s needed for freedom of movement. If the very notion of looking for one’s heart’s desire seems ridiculously daunting, remember we are born with this skill. From birth we are a squirming bundle of preferences. Before our head loses that wonderful smell we know we prefer our fist in our mouth rather than our blankie, we know which breast we prefer and what our favorite sounds are. We have no distractions, no sense of what we ‘should’ be doing; we’ve yet to develop an inner critic. If we can combine that sense of freedom with the vast data we’ve collected we can make choices that work for us at any given time.

 
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Posted by on September 6, 2012 in Well-Being

 

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