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Category Archives: Childhood

GO TO BED!

20 Aug

When tragedy strikes it is not the time to analyze. If the incident is close to home we are too stunned or numbed to think. If we are an empathetic spectator it is unseemly to appear as if we are callous enough to be analytical. But after the passage of time, with a healthy dose of respect and empathy, we can at times seek answers and perhaps future preventive measures.

We need only look at the recent gun control rhetoric (the term “rhetoric” is used here intentionally as “conversation” would suggest that people in leadership positions are actually saying anything on the subject) as an example of “preventive analysis.” In this case the cry for gun control is obvious and rather simple. The underlying issue of mental illness and how we treat/ignore/fear the afflicted is much more complicated and doesn’t fit nicely into a soundbite or tweet. But the thing about real answers to real problems is that they usually are a bit messy and uncomfortable.

While suburban or rural shootings capture our imagination (and our horror) city streets and playground shootings are far more frequent. Reasonable people would agree that if guns didn’t exist, people wouldn’t get shot. But if you think it through (or if you’ve seen West Side Story) you will also agree that there are other ways to hurt people. People will always hurt people; it’s human nature; as is love and caring. People with nothing to lose are more prone to violence and crime. People who feel ignored or worthless are more likely to lash out at others. We know all this. We also know that boredom is an incendiary device for adolescents. We also know that bad things happen at night. The only person who has ever uttered; “Whatever can happen at 3:00 in the morning can happen at 3:00 in the afternoon” is a 15-year-old fighting over a curfew. Night brings darkness. It is easier to hide and harder to detect danger. The night often brings a higher level of intoxication. While people should be free to socialize outdoors in the evening, it’s not clear that babies and children should join them. You’ve only to walk down a city street or past a playground to see little tiny people out and about after 11:00, 12:00, 1:00… Perhaps it’s the product of younger parents wanting to be young and not having access to childcare. Perhaps it’s the family that plays together stays together. But whatever the motivation it is simply not a great idea. Should people have to live in lockdown because illegal guns plague their neighborhood? Of course not. But do babies need to be awake and out of doors after 9:00 PM?

Unfortunately this is not uniquely a summer in the city phenomenon. Ask any city schoolteacher about tardy or sleep-deprived students. So while it may offend some or even smack of elitism I will issue the soundbite/tweet: “Get your children to bed!” Do children get hurt in their own home? Of course they do. But if we can start teaching a generation of tiny people that the streets are not their home maybe we can make a difference.

 

 
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Posted by on August 20, 2012 in Childhood, Cultural Critique

 

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Playing Dress-Up

16 Aug

 

Been shopping lately? Have you noticed how the children’s apparel market has grown? Sizes that included 2T and 6X were once relegated to an upper floor of a department store, suggesting that only after adults clothe themselves would they consider fashion for babies. We now have entire chains dedicated to children’s fashion as well as adult clothiers that have created children’s fashion lines. It’s not as if children of the 1970s and 1980s ran around barefoot and naked. So why the market glut of teeny tiny clothes?

Most children do not do their own shopping and most do not have their own income stream, so presumably big people are buying wee clothes. Now if you are to believe the media and your own bank statements, these are not exactly flush times. Of course these chain stores for the toddling set are not pricey, but the only way they are staying in business is if lots of inventory is being liquidated often. A child’s entire wardrobe does not need to be replaced every season (unless the child has a rapid growth syndrome.) A winter jacket can usually make it through two New Years. Even children without siblings could be wearing second hand clothes. And maybe they do. But if so, why all these shops? It’s hard to believe that stores filled with teeny fashion trends are actually going after the “necessity market.” Fake fur shrugs and sequined mini-skirts speak more to child styling versus child dressing.

In this great country of ours it is usually the female parent who is doing the shopping and dressing of the smalls. Could it be that for some of us, dress up is fun? Could it also be that dressing a little person is easier because of it being baggage free? Anything “mini” is by definition cute. No toddler ever thinks; “Wow those pull-up pants make my ass look huge.” Whether mommy’s behind is bigger than it once was or than desired, it takes a lot more effort to dress oneself than one’s child. There really are no Garanimals for adults, and sticking a color-coordinated bow in our hair doesn’t make an outfit as much as it begs the question; What DID ever happen to Baby Jane? Having an adult sense of style means knowing what suits you and that of course means having some self-awareness.

There is nothing wrong with dressing your little person in short pants and a jaunty derby. But if you are walking by his side in sweats or shapeless dreary apparel, there is a problem. Children are not Chihuahuas and shouldn’t be used as accessories or a way to deflect attention. They learn from example and one of the best lessons they can experience is that their parents are first and foremost people worthy of attention and care.

 
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Posted by on August 16, 2012 in Childhood, Style

 

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How To Build A Better Parent

05 Aug

No one likes to be told what to do. (Just ask a toddler if you don’t believe me.) But that hasn’t stopped anyone and everyone from proclaiming that you are not raising your children in the correct manner. There are books which chastise you for not being more French or feline. Newsstands are chock full of glossy instructional manuals. There was a time when parenting articles were bundled with home economics and fashion articles in ladies’ magazines. That will no longer do. The magazine industry (in all its floundering glory) has produced copious parenting titles. One needn’t purchase a magazine or book however; simply turn on the computer and enter the blogosphere/chat rooms/message boards that long to be heard.

Of course many of these sites are less interested in telling you what to do and much more concerned with daily affirmation. Are you having some doubt about sleeping in the same bed as your baby? Fear not, there are thousands of people out there poised to support your decision. Does using a pacifier make you feel less than? Give it 10 seconds, and someone will vote you virtual mother of the year.

Let’s face it, there’s a lot of noise out there. There are as many people lining up to cut you down, as there are to boost you up. Parenting is a lonely job. There is no boss to hand out an “atta girl” there are no annual reviews or even colleagues. There are hundreds of tiny (and not so tiny) decisions you must make at all times. A little person, even a verbal little person, cannot offer much feedback as to how you’re doing. It takes a village just to quell the loneliness. So naturally, we’re disposed to hearing the chatter (by the end of the day the chatter of adults sounds like a freaking symphony to our ears!) But if there’s any danger in our weakened state, it is that we often only hear what we want to hear. If we are sleep deprived (and shower deprived) and are still being woken up every 3-4 hours by a three month old, we want to hear that we are and will be okay. We probably do not want to hear that we have to let the baby learn to self-comfort. We can’t bear the idea of listening to the baby cry itself back to sleep once let alone every night for a week. Just tell us that we’ll live through this. Well, you will, of course you will, but parenting isn’t really about our survival it’s about helping children grown into healthy, happy, strong adults. However it’s easy to lose sight of that when you haven’t slept for three months.

Put a post-it-note on your computer for when you find yourself shopping online for a perfect parenting book or trolling chat rooms at 2:00 AM. Have the note simply state: “I know what I’m doing” then in tiny script just below “see print-out.” See print-out?

Print-Out:

How To Build A Happy, Healthy, Strong Person

  • Adults are in charge – Flight attendants instruct adults to place the oxygen mask on their own face first for a reason
    • A fulfilling life of your own, outside of your parenting responsibilities is key to allowing your child to grow and to modeling the appeal of growing
    • Adult activities (working, fitness, classes, socializing, dining, bar hopping) should not include children
  • Do only what is necessary for your child
    • A preschooler can pick up his/her own toys. Once children reach school age he/she can make their own breakfast and get dressed. A middle-schooler can do his/her own laundry and cook one night a week. And so on
    • Competence is the primary ingredient in self-esteem
  • Redefine “every advantage”
    • Don’t give your child what you didn’t have, give them what they need
    • Money & stuff is never helpful, life skills and a moral compass are

 

 
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Posted by on August 5, 2012 in Childhood, Media/Marketing

 

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Baby On Board

31 Jul

There are news stories so wonderfully poetic they simply need a moment in the spotlight all to themselves: Products designed to alert parents of a child left in a car are found unreliable

You read that correctly. There are productS (that’s right, more than one!) that have been designed and SOLD to alert parents they have left a child in the car. And those products are unreliable. It’s not a stretch of the imagination to see how and why these products came to the market. The research & development meetings must have involved some snickering: “No really people do this, I keep hearing about it in the news.” “You hear about it on the news because it’s so rare not because it’s so common.” “People will buy anything that has “safety” and “baby” on the label.” “Right, can someone get Faye from engineering in here.”

So we have one ‘auto oven timer’ on the market and not surprisingly there are immediate competitors. But how does this product get from the shelves into the car? Baby showers would be a logical guess. People do give the most convoluted devices. But how do you get past the obvious offensiveness of such a gift? “Congratulations on your impending blessing. I’m sure you can be trusted with a baby, but just in case…” Perhaps if it’s bundled with some similarly themed gifts? A decorative non-sharding basket could be filled with such items as; needlepoints to hang by the front door “Do you have the baby?”, a changing table plush baby monkey that chirps; “Don’t leave me unattended”, maybe some cute refrigerator magnets; “babies need to be fed” cute, right?

Now people do get a bit spacey with their cars. (There’s a woman I know who drove home from the grocery store with the groceries on the hood of her car. That same woman once drove to the library, walked home from the library and upon seeing her car was not in the driveway called the police and reported it stolen.) Babies and pets do get left in cars (sometimes intentionally sometimes not) and there are times the results are utterly devastating. These tragedies are most likely the result of a tired and distracted driver. Even if these devices worked, the driver would have to hear them. The “left behind” child would also have to be in a car seat for the device to work. So in a perfect R&D world, non-verbal babies in car seats will be safe. Children old enough to get themselves out of car seats, or impaired older children not in car seats are still in danger.

Selling any such device (effective or not) is at its most innocuous just stupid. But it could also be viewed as quite heinous. Presumably someone who has experienced such a life altering tragedy is not going to buy or use such a device. It’s being purchased and used by people encouraged to live with fear versus awareness. Throwing vague ineffective products into the marketplace happens everyday. But this particular product is pitched to avert a man-made disaster that stems from distraction and fatigue. How does a false sense of security (which would come from even a functioning device) do anything but exacerbate whatever problem might exist?

 
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Posted by on July 31, 2012 in Childhood, Media/Marketing

 

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Parent Orientation

24 Jul

In just a few weeks your child will be leaving for college for the first time. How could this be happening? How could a person who puts empty cartons back into the refrigerator, and doesn’t seem to know there’s an off-position for lights, be ready to go to college? Trust me, he/she is wondering the same exact thing. Have you noticed things have become a bit testy? Are there some old fights/issues cropping up? Have you caught her/him reading Winnie-the-Pooh? Don’t worry, everything’s fine. It’s completely and utterly normal for everyone to be a bit skittish right now. The only reason to worry is if in fact there is something over which to worry. (If your child has health issues [physical or mental] please take their behavior seriously, they may be trying to tell you they’re not ready.) For everyone else there are some pointers to help mitigate the “I can’t wait to get the hell outta here/OMG I’m going to miss you so much” anxiety.

  • Eliminate ambiguity – some anxiety stems from so much unknown. Discuss what your mutual expectations are (i.e., visiting schedules, spending money & how it should be used, academic achievements, communication plans)
  • Take your packing cues from the incoming freshman. Do you really want to spend every waking moment for the next few weeks discussing the state of his/her room? Part of what will make your student feel confident is if he/she has control over his/her domain. Ask if he/she wants you to shop/pack with him/her. If not, go put your feet up.
  • Discuss all incoming requirements (doctors appointments, forms, etc.) and then back away. End the tug of war while getting used to his/her new independence.
  • Discuss sex and personal safety.
  • Discuss drinking and drugs in terms of real danger (i.e., date rape, death) not in terms of your own personal preferences.
  • Discuss how you want their world to be as big as possible and to not do anything that might limit his/her options.
  • Remind him/her how proud you are and how excited you are for them

Now that you’ve done all that, pour yourself a cold glass of something. Make yourself comfortable and try to remember where you keep the rubber bands. Place one on your wrist and snap it hard every time your resolve starts to crumble. When you start reaching for your phone to make his/her physical appointment; Snap! When you find yourself surfing the Bed, Bath & Beyond site; Snap! As you sit sipping, admiring your new bracelet, remember; this is what you dreamed about. You did it! You helped to make a person who is going off into the world, hopefully to leave it better than he/she found it.

 
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Posted by on July 24, 2012 in Childhood, Education

 

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