RSS

Category Archives: Childhood

Brusha Brusha Brusha!

06 Mar

You cannot walk down the street (or through the mall) without seeing them: toddlers in their stroller with a perma-snack on their tray table.  Goldfish crackers or cheerios in branded plastic containers are never far from their sticky grip.  Contrary to your initial instincts, no, these children are not carbo-loading for a marathon.  They are being trained instead to never feel hunger or eat a balanced meal.  You’ve also probably seen some of these tykes with a sippy cup (or bottle) of juice, or for the “health conscious” and those of stranger consumer habits; bottled water.

You may have also been in close enough proximity to hear these children being asked instead of told what to do: “Can you hold my hand while we cross the street?”  “Do you want to put on your jacket now?”

For those of us who are not necessarily health care providers, we only have seen this behavior as ridiculous.  We assumed that the children would grow up to have eating disorders and become absolutely monsters in adolescence (“Can you not bring that gang member into your bedroom at 2:00 a.m., honey?”  “Do you want to go take your S.A.T.s this year?”)  What we (okay, what I) did not consider is the immediate health implications of this style of parenting.  More preschoolers, at every income level, are developing 6-10 cavities.  In their baby teeth!  This painful development is not the result of genetics or disease, but is (according to dentists) the result of perpetually feeding small children and not enforcing teeth brushing.  According to Dr. Jed Best, some parents don’t want to traumatize their tykes with teeth brushing.  Let us forget for a moment the actual trauma of tooth decay/infection, dental work and long-term consequence of dental infection, and instead focus on the trauma of tooth-brushing.

We’ve probably all seen the Sponge Bob/Dora/Cinderella toothbrushes and toothpastes in the pharmacy.  They’re right next to the strawberry/bubble gum flavored toothpaste.  No doubt the higher end shops have all this next to the animated videos and books extolling the rapture of dental hygiene.  (To be fair, I’m already feeling a bit traumatized by all of this.)  It’s probably safe to assume that some of these cleverly marketed superfluous items are being implemented in many homes.  I think we can all agree that the majority of carers are not donning Freddy Krueger masks and approaching their tyke with a power drill (a la Marathon Man.)  The trauma is that the child might prefer to not have their teeth brushed.  That’s right.  The parent sees telling the child what to do as traumatizing.  Most children squirm and resist when having their teeth brushed.  It’s an odd sensation and involves a bit of a vice grip.  A clever child has learned that the slightest resistance and/or vocalization will scare off the adult.   (One has to assume that the same cause and effect does not work for face washing, because a dirty face would result in other people seeing the dirt and make assumptions about the parent.)  It stands to reason that these same parents would never not apply direct pressure to their bleeding child, or cease pounding the child’s back to dislodge a piece of food, if the child objected.  But after a long day of “discussing” every option and choice, after 12 hours of having a toddler (the very definition of an emotional terrorist) guide decisions for him/her, the parent, the entire family and every other person in the restaurant/store/playground/bookstore; a person gets tired.

After my initial horror in this dental discovery (some of these little ones have to be given general anesthesia to treat their massive decay!) I began to see just a flicker of light.  Perhaps this development will start to spur a movement.  Nobody wants their child in pain.  Enormous lengths are taken to ensure children never know discomfort or disappointment.  But at what cost?  Sometimes it’s difficult to remember that being the adult in the relationship means you actually do know what’s best for the child.  Letting a toddler choose which story to have at bedtime is okay.  Letting them dictate their nutrition and health care is not.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on March 6, 2012 in Childhood

 

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Careful The Things You Do*

01 Mar

Hauling nutritionally balanced snacks to Little Leaguers (who engage in actual exercise for about 10 minutes.)  Creating elaborately themed birthday parties for children who would be happy with a whoopee cushion and a pizza.  Dressing little girls as miniature Mae Wests.  What do these, and many more slightly wacky things, have in common?

When asked, the majority of adults will explain (variations of the above) behavior with the following: “There’s such pressure.”  Such pressure.  From their child?  Visions of a pigtailed girl a la The Bad Seed dance in my head.  There she is in the middle of GapKids/Gymboree/Children’s Place, her $200 doll held aloft prepared to swing; “Buy me the fur shrug or the latte gets it.”  I don’t think so.  If so, someone call Willy Wonka and have him rustle up some oompa loompas.  I think what these parents in fact mean is that there is perceived peer pressure.  That’s right; peer pressure.  That plausible excuse for the pack of cigarettes your parents found in their car, the explanation for shoplifting that 45 (a small disc when placed on a turntable emits prerecorded sound,) and a plausible excuse for kissing that boy in the basement.  But peer pressure in adults?  How does that work?  How does one even keep a straight face?  I suspect that it is not peer pressure so much as it is herd mentality.  Semantics perhaps, but defined as “group think” it makes just a bit more sense.

Very few of us, no matter how many times we’ve done it, feel like professional parents.  Every child, every developmental stage, in fact every day presents new challenges.  Yes, there are some whose very nature is laid back.  They feel confident that their child is well fed, healthy, happy, and curious.  They don’t grasp at enrichment programs as if they were life preservers or buy every latest geegaw and gizmo.  Their confidence might be innate or may be a reflection of their diverse portfolio.  Perhaps all their identity eggs are not in the parenthood basket.  They may have a paid job or not.  They may be married or not.  The diversification is more internal than that.

But these are not the parents hiring aerialists and face painters for a bris.  They are not the ones baking for the school/church/scouts/karate class/soccer club every week.  The parents staying up to create bespoke goody bags for their 6 year old’s birthday party are hearing different voices in their head.  They want desperately to get it right and like the creature in the strange land (that all parents really are) they take every cue and piece of advice to heart.  A cycle is created of external reinforcement.  Where the trouble may lie (if you consider hovering parenting and spoiled children, trouble) is a sense of unease and disquietness.  Look around.  How much of the media noise is about “stressed moms” “mommy wars” or far worse “the hidden drinking life of moms.”  How long do you think it will be before we have a psychological condition known as “stressed mother?”

Feeling exhausted and strained is nothing new.  Mother’s little helper, anyone?  But the angst which comes from losing one’s internal compass is.  What would happen if we tried something new, yet very old for 30 days?  For 30 days, let’s not visit any parenting websites, chat rooms or magazines.  Let’s only talk to our friends and acquaintances about what’s going on in our own lives, not our child’s.  Let’s plan weekly dates with our partners (and hire babysitters.)  If something comes up in those 30 days which really warrants guidance, call a parent, or aunt, or uncle or grandparent.  Look to the elders, the survivors if you will, for guidance, reinforcement and comfort.  For 30 days, do not look to the others floundering in the sea of parenthood for help.

Let me know how it goes.

*Children Will Listen – Into The Woods, Stephen Sondheim (1986)

 
2 Comments

Posted by on March 1, 2012 in Childhood

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Testing To Teach

17 Feb

If you just landed here from Mars, you would be convinced that schools have become sheltered workshops for sex offenders.  Every day there’s a new story of not just one individual accused of mistreating a child, but of entire schools infested with abusers.  “What in the world,” says the Martian, “is going on?”

Twenty or so years ago, these stories were much less frequent.  To be fair, we should attribute some portion of the increased reports to awareness on the part of children and the thirst of sprawling media.  But surely that can’t account for the ubiquity of these incidents.

Pedophilia is a pretty specific condition.  I’m not willing to suggest that every person who has abused a child is in fact a pedophile.  But most likely they all do share one very strong trait.  They like children.  A lot.  They are far more comfortable with children than adults.  They are uncomfortable with their adult selves.  Their social circles (if they exist) are limited and mostly center around child-centric events.  It is no wonder that these men and women are attracted to a professional in which children outnumber adults by a wide margin.

Without diminishing for a moment the severe and debilitating effect abuse has on children, I suggest that if there is an increase in child abuse, it is the result of an infantalized society.  There are endless degrees of immaturity of course.  At its most innocuous, these child/adults are wearing baseball caps as chapeaus.  But at its worst…

I’m not sure our entire culture can wake up and smell the (non-whipped cream/foam topped) adult coffee, and embrace what is rightfully and wonderfully theirs.  But certainly what we can do is insist that every employee working with children have a psychological test.  Schools love tests.  A minimum screening is the very least we can do.  It does not impinge upon anyone’s civil rights to determine if they are suitable for a job based on their disposition.  There is nothing inherently sinister about working with children, but there is something alarming about preferring their company.  Wringing our hands and being alarmed is an appropriate first response.  But adults step up and take action to protect the most vulnerable members of society.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on February 17, 2012 in Childhood, Education

 

Tags: , , ,

C’est Magnifique!

15 Feb

Have you heard the news?  The French are way better than us.  No really.  They are all thin, are good parents, and have as many ways to tie a scarf as we have cable channels.  And that’s just the French, you should get a load of the rest of western Europe.  Now before we all slink back to our McMansions to drown our inferiority in a box of wine; let’s think this through.

Europe is old.  Really really old.  They are the grandparents at the family function, in their appropriate attire, watching the young over-sugared Americans run amok through the catering hall.  It’s not exactly that they are better, it’s that they know better.

They know that food is to savor, not to eat on the subway or in the car.  They know that flavor always trumps portion-size and that good ingredients don’t need sugar or batter.  Meals are social and not a shared experience between the diner and the television.  They also invest in beautiful clothing that lasts a lifetime.  Therefore their size must stay relatively constant.

The French are also in it for the long-haul when it comes to parenting.  They aren’t so interested in ensuring their cherub never knows a moment of woe.  They are committed to raising well-rounded, competent human beings.  They have no need to be their child’s friend, as they relish their adult life.  They do not dress like their children either as they have those gorgeous clothes in their closet.  There is a division between the adult world and the child world that we once actually had in this country.  Perhaps it was the blush of youth, but before we knew any better we were confident.

In New York, a city filled with posh private schools, European parents (here on business) are sending their children to public school.  They find the notion of fancy cafeterias and homogeneous classmates, abhorrent.  Public schools were good enough for them…(you may be old enough to remember hearing that in your house!)  For those who are concerned about their children keeping up with their French, they send them to one of the several bilingual public schools in the city.  Street smarts and competency are more important to them than amenities.  They’ve been around a while, they know what it takes to make your way in the world.  Competency and self-esteem can not be bought.

Let us not despair just yet.  Might I suggest, sitting down for a leisurely cafe au lait, and consider integrating just a bit of La Belle Vie into your own life.  If the idea of stopping at the market every other day for fresh ingredients is a bit daunting, try for just one additional trip a week.  Is the idea of owning one black pencil skirt for twenty years too foreign?  Instead, before you pick up another black skirt at BananaGapTaylor, count to ten.  If letting your child take responsibility for their own homework is just too much of a leap, consider having them cook one night a week.  Take their personal education as seriously as their formal education, and have them sit with you while you pay the bills.

Confidence comes from trying new things.  Succeeding will never be as educational as trying.  Draw inspiration from the French but don’t let them get you down.  They have their own idiosyncrasies; the whole country smokes and they are always on strike.  But they do have the courage of their convictions, and that really is worth emulating.

 
1 Comment

Posted by on February 15, 2012 in Childhood, Cultural Critique

 

Tags: , , ,

The Mad Men Guide To Life

13 Feb

Does anything more need to be said about the brilliance of Mad Men?  The production value soars above most cable series and the story lines have not faltered.  The series has benefited tremendously from continuously casting relatively unknown actors.  Above else, unlike most retro productions, they get very little wrong.  Credit the producers for perhaps having been alive during the early 1960s or at least having the good sense to hire people who were.  Mad Men is 99.44% anachronism free.

While much of the period perfect depictions seem quaint and distant, there is much that is timeless.  Every generation thinks they are covering new terrain and making new discoveries.  Every twist and turn in life seems unique and in need of a brand-new solution.  But there is much to gain from being reminded of the continuity of life and its annoyances.

Work is Demanding – Long before instant communication, Peggy was working nights and weekends.  Personal lives were impinged upon with after-hours work related functions.  Before technology companies put playrooms and free dry cleaning in the workplace (to keep workers at the office) companies had coffee carts.  Break rooms, sandwich machines and even office bars, were designed to keep workers in the workplace.  Work has never been fair or nice.  Meetings will happen without you, you will be left off of organizational charts and someone might just run a lawn mower over your foot.

Thin and Pretty Sells – There is nothing new about selling a female ideal. Media has been single minded in its affair with pretty, young thin women.  Before Spanx, there were girdles.  Creating a perfect form was a rite of passage for a young woman.  Pointed bras bore no more resemblance to the human breast than the wonderbra of today.  Before diet shakes, there was melba toast and cottage cheese.  Women carried lovely little boxes of (deadly) saccharin in their purses and smoked like chimneys to avoid eating.  Clothing was expensive and spandex wasn’t invented yet, so not being able to zip your dress meant not being able to leave the house.

Marriage is a Mystery – From a wedding guest’s perspective, do any two people really belong together?  Don cheats with the same woman, over and over again.  He craves emotional attachment with an intelligent, professional brunette, but married Betty.  Kitty is happily married to Sal, a man who doesn’t want Ann-Margret, he wants to be Ann-Margret.  Joan, in her early thirties, with a panic she feels deep in her bones, grabs what looks like a gold ring.  There is nothing new about making fear based choices and there rarely is anything good that comes from it.  Joan married beneath her on so many levels, and we wait for the “we regret to inform you” letter from the war department.

Fake it Till You Make It – The only people who don’t at one time or another feel like a fraud are sociopaths.  Everyone, regardless of achievement or talent has feared being found out.  Don struggles with that issue most of his adult life.  Joan, herself her greatest creation, visibly stumbles at times.  Peggy, a woman whose emotional sophistication belies her tender years, forces herself past those moments.  She gets the job, the haircut, the wardrobe, and the office, incrementally and with intent.  She always had the talent, if not the experience, but by the time she’s done with herself, she looks like a competent middle manager (at 23.)

Parenting isn’t Pretty – Glossy magazines aside, there’s nothing pretty about raising children.  Betty didn’t feel the need to self-censor when she likened the presence of her children in her car to that of horse poop.  The children misbehaved and developed strange behaviors, they refused to eat and sleep, they got sick at the most inopportune times and mixed a pretty lousy drink. But parenting was made a little easier, not just because of the drinking and sedatives, but because of a bit of emotional distance.  When little Sally ran amok in the house (with a dry cleaning bag on her head) her mother was concerned about the mess, but not enough to put out her cigarette and interrupt her adult conversation.

Experience Breeds Calm – There is much to savor in getting older, even during the youth revolution of the 1960s.  Bert Cooper is a sage beacon of calm during many a storm.  Sure, he knows firsthand how to succeed in business, but it’s more than that.  His Eastern sensibilities and embracing of modern art, speak to a man who is taking a big bite out of life.  He enjoys the fruits of his labor and has a deep generosity of spirit.  He takes his relationships as seriously as he does his job.  He is not feared but revered, a management lesson, yes, but also a life lesson.

 
3 Comments

Posted by on February 13, 2012 in Childhood, Cultural Critique, Style

 

Tags: , , ,

← Older posts
Newer posts →